I was so touched by the stories sent in for HM Photography & Boutique’s Special 1K Giveaway and 2 year anniversary. So many stories of heartache, I sat through many of them bawling. Wishing I could gift each of them with happy memories, I had to pick one, which was the hardest part to do.
This special family’s story was beyond heartbreaking, and they wish to share it with you. I am so honored to have photographed their family, for the first time, as close to complete as possible. In sharing their story, I hope you can find happiness in all you do, no matter the circumstance, and heal together.
Here is their story:
My name is Shanna Dickson and this is my story. On September 12th 12 years ago I was blessed with a beautiful baby boy named Charlie. He was everything a mother could hope for. He had these big brown eyes and gorgeous smile. His laughter was contagious and music to my ears. He lit up my world. You see Charlie was born sick. From the day he was born he fought to live. He was always sick. The Doctors said asthma was the reason for his sickness and that he would need treatments at the times it would flare up. For 2 years he struggled to breathe. We were in and out of the hospital for years. We always suspected that there was something more to Charlie’s illness that we could not see. They ran test after test on him and each test the only thing they could determine is that it is asthma. He had a machine set up at home so that I could give him daily breathing treatments to relax his lungs. Some days he would have to be on the machine all day just so that he could breathe. In 2002, my son woke up as he had so many nights before. Unable to breathe but this time was different. He was writhing in pain. I scooped him up and rushed him to the hospital when his treatments at home failed to help. We sat in the emergency room for hours as my son cried out in pain and gasping for air. After not receiving help for 5 hours I made the decision to take him home and put him on his machine until the Dr.’s office opened. I was scared and terrified that I was making the wrong decision by taking him home. But I was angry that the ER never took me seriously. I knew my sons Dr. well and knew that I would be able to rush him there a.s.a.p. That night I sat next to my son crying. He was in so much pain and could barely breathe. I watched him helplessly for hours and I remember thinking this was it. I was literally watching him die. There were times that the room would fall silent and I would set my hand on his chest just to make sure he was still alive. Every moment was excruciating. The moment the office opened I called and rushed him in. The Dr. again gave him a treatment and tried to send him home with the same instructions I had been doing for years. I held Charlie’s tiny, lethargic body in my arms and looked at the Dr and pleaded with him. I told him he was not well and that I KNOW there is something wrong. He was dying and I knew it. I could feel it! The Dr. heard my cries and finally agreed to admit him to the hospital for more in-depth testing. A few hours after he was admitted the Dr. told me that Charlie needed to be life flighted to Sacred heart Hospital in Pensacola that he would not survive the night and he needed to be in the ICU. At that very moment I felt my life stop. I knew this was something more. The thought of losing my son tore at me and the thought of my daughter once again being shuffled between family made me even sadder. I notified my family and prepped Charlie for the long trip. Everything happened so fast after that point. The new hospital team snatched my son away from me and I spent hours starring out the window of the ICU room waiting for my son to return to me. Not knowing if he would come back at all made me sick. Charlie finally made an appearance that evening. I still remember how tiny he looked lying in the big hospital bed. His whole life was nothing but sickness and today was the day that would forever change our lives. I curled up in the bed next to him and waited for the Dr.’s to come in to talk to us. I can’t begin to tell you how terrified I truly was! I remember sitting there with Charlie as we were located right at the end of the nurses station. We could see the Dr.’s and nurses come and go. That evening I watched as 1 Dr. turned into 2 and 2 into 3. They were all gathering around the computer screen looking at something and chatting back and forth. I remember the feeling that came over me as I watched it all unfold. I knew this was about Charlie and it wasn’t going to be good. I was shaking and the knot in my stomach seemed to double over. After an hour of seeing the Dr’s shaking their heads and conferring with other Dr.’s one Dr. turned and started walking towards Charlie’s room. I froze. This was it! He was coming to tell what they had found and I knew our lives would never be the same. I don’t remember breathing at all. I felt a rush of heat course through my body and I kissed my son on the lips. His hair was brown and soft as I pushed my fingers through his hair. I fought back the tears as the Dr. opened the door. He introduced himself and then shook his head. He told me that he didn’t know how to tell me this so he would prefer to just show me. I agreed and followed him to the same screen I had watched the Dr.’s standing at and scratching their heads. He bent over and showed me these images. Explaining all the while what I was seeing. Screen after screen was an image of my sons organs and he scrolled through till he stopped and pointed at this spot that was different than all the others. He scrolled to the next image and pointed out some more. After he showed me what he had he stood up and called me by name and said. “ Your son has mass in his chest the size of a baseball” It must be removed immediately! I gripped the chair in front of me as he told me that he might not survive the surgery. We won’t know if it’s cancerous until we get in there. I choked back the tears and nodded my head. I returned to Charlie’s room and curled up next to him and sobbed like a baby. Charlie weak and frail turned toward me and wiped away my tears and kissed me telling me it was all going to be ok. If he only knew how badly my heart ached at that very moment. I pulled myself together and made the dreaded phone calls. The next morning they took Charlie into surgery and we all waited for the news.
After what seemed like hours, the Dr. came in. He sat across the room from us and told us all that he made it through surgery; however, he was a very sick little boy. Charlie has cancer! We were not able to remove the entire tumor. He will require more treatment immediately as it is attached to his spine and rib. I don’t think I can put into words how awful I felt at that very moment. It was only then that I realized that I was helpless to save my son. It was completely out of my hands. I couldn’t make him better no matter how hard I tried. Charlie had a 60% chance of surviving this cancer. Three months into chemo and radiation the Dr. reported that somehow, someway, Charlie was in full remission. I sobbed and couldn’t believe my ears. This was the best news ever! All those months in the hospital away from my family and friends and daughter would be coming to an end once his treatments were done. The results were better than they imagined they would be! Charlie still had several months of treatment left but at least he had survived this horrible disease. My life had returned to somewhat of normality. Life was good. He finished his treatments and all his tests were clear for the disease. We picked up the pieces of our shattered life and tried to put it back together. My daughter moved home with us and started back to school. Charlie felt and looked better than he had his whole life. His hair had started coming back and for the first time ever her road a big boy bike without fear of catching and infection if he fell. All the things that people take for granted on a daily basis were gifts to us! I met my husband Todd during this time. I started dating him and he knew all about Charlie and what we had been through. He was definitely heaven sent! About 3 months after I met Todd, I took Charlie to his Dr. appointment. I had my grandmother go with me this day so that I would have support. They did his blood work while we sat there for an hour or more waiting for word from the Dr. That evening he returned to the room and didn’t sugar coat a thing. He simply told us that Charlie had cancer again. He was going to be admitted and they were going to run more tests. Once again, I sobbed uncontrollably. My grandmother who had her arms wrapped around Charlie fell apart. Charlie turned and hugged her and wiped away the tears. I took a moment to pull myself together and then looked at the Dr. and said, “Ok, What do we need to do?” Charlie was once again admitted to the hospital and the tests were run. I made the call to my family to let them know Charlie was sick again and they were running more tests. We will know where we stand tomorrow. My family came again and we all sat down in this room waiting for the Dr. to come in. I remember looking out the window of the room and seeing this storm approaching. It looked like the heavens were about to fall. I knew this was my sign of things to come. The room filled with darkness as the Dr. walked in. It was so eerie. I starred out the window as the first signs of lighting and thunder crashed. This was it! The Dr. spoke. The Dr. told us that Charlie had cancer. It was not a return cancer. He in fact contracted Leukemia from the treatment he received for his previous cancer. Charlie has less than a 25% chance of survival. He needs immediate chemotherapy as it has spread throughout his body. I drove home that night to gather my stuff and to get Kayla situated with a family member again. Todd came over and I sobbed to him for what seemed like an eternity. Again, my life was falling apart. I told Todd that he was free to leave. This was too much for him and I would understand. He refused. He told me it takes a bigger man to stay than it does for one to leave. I hugged him and recalled thinking this man was a keeper. Any man that was willing to stick by us when he didn’t have to was one I wanted to hang onto! We spent months in the hospital fighting for Charlie’s life. Charlie Brown was simply amazing. Even though he was sick he never forgot how to smile and giggle. His laughter filled the room on a daily basis. The nurses loved Charlie. This time when his hair fell out the only hair left on his head was a halo of hair all the way around the top of his head. Simply fitting for such an angel baby! He was 3 years old at this point. One day I left the hospital to take a breather from the daily routine. When I returned I found Charlie in a different room with the door wide open and unprotected. He had no immune system at this time so I flipped out. They had moved him across the hospital without any kind of protection. I threatened the Dr that moved him and it went down hill from there. By that night Charlie had caught something from the move and was violently throwing up. He fell ill and we couldn’t keep the bedpans moving fast enough to keep up with him. His fever went through the roof. They refused to treat him. They said that he was dying from the cancer and all they could do is treat him with antibiotics for the infection. I asked them to move my son to another hospital and they refused. For days my son laid there dying. Machines hooked to his little lifeless body. The nights were torture. I was afraid to go to sleep and every time I started to doze off the machine would flat line. I would race to his side to see if he was dead. The hospital would send in a liaison to talk with me to record our conversations because I was infuriated with their lack of care for my son. My family had once again gathered as news spread that Charlie’s organs were shutting down and would be dead soon. I would hold him in my arms and sob for hours on end. Kayla (my daughter) came to say her goodbyes to Charlie. His room was full of family as we waited for the inevitable. Then as the hour came that the Dr.’s said this was it a miracle happened. My son woke up! He sat up and started talking to us all wondering why we were all crying. The Dr.’s rushed the room in disbelief. They could not believe that he was awake and talking. They couldn’t explain it. He should not be alive. BUT HE WAS! They told me to not be fooled. He was still dying! It was going to happen. They told me the next day that I could take him home on hospice if I wanted. I saw this as my opportunity to get him help somewhere else so I agreed. We went home! That very moment I got home I called his primary Dr. at home and begged and cried on the phone for him to help him. I told him what had happened and he called his good friend who was a Dr. for infectious diseases. Dr. Rahim in urn called me and asked me to bring him to him. So I did. We rushed over to him and he said no Dr. should ever think it is acceptable for you to let him die. He in turn called and got Charlie admitted to the local hospital so that he could get him transferred to Gainesville Hospital. They were the leading hospital for Oncology in the state of Florida. The next day we were taken to Gainesville and admitted. Charlie underwent tons of testing and labs so that they could start from scratch. They were appalled at what they found. The Dr. came to me and told me that Charlie was not dying and that they simply could not believe that this Dr. had done what he did to Charlie. He told me that they messed up and shouldn’t get away with it. He asked me his Dr.’s name and contacted the hospital. Of course they were butt hurt over me taking him somewhere else. But it was meant to be! They saved Charlie from this horrible hospital. They wound up giving Charlie a bone marrow transplant and Charlie was in complete remission. Cancer free for the 2nd time in his life! Charlie was now 4 years old. Just after Christmas we took Charlie home to start a new cancer free life. I had married my husband by then and we were able to actually go home to real home and have a real family. My daughter came home and was going to school. My husband and I got to sleep in the same bed together. It was great! Again, We had a new lease on life. A true miracle! We lived a fairy tale for 6 months. Charlie was heading back to the hospital to have his port removed since he no longer needed it. The day before Charlie’s surgery we packed bags for the trip and found a place for Kayla while we were gone. The day of the trip I noticed a rash on Charlie. It worried me and I tried to brush it off. But like every other time I just couldn’t shake this feeling. When we made it to Gainesville I called the Dr. to tell her about the rash. She told me not to worry that it was probably nothing. He’s been clear for so long! With that we tried to forget and get some rest. The next morning we raced all over the hospital trying to get Charlie ready for surgery. We made a quick stop into the Dr.’s office so that the Dr. could look at the rash. She sent us down to the surgery waiting room with Charlie after she did blood work. While sitting there in the waiting room for what seemed like hours I saw the Dr. walk in. I was a bit stumped to see her come in and then she sat down next to me. I looked at her and she leaned forward and told me that the rash was not just a rash. I asked what caused it then? She gave me a look that I had seen many times before. I stood up and screamed. OMG, I felt my legs fall weak. I started crying uncontrollably as I had so many times before. Charlie was still sitting in the room speechless as he saw me fall apart. The lady behind the counter was telling me not to cry in front of my son. The room spun as I tried to grasp what has happened to us. I knew this was it. He was going to die. My life…his life…was over! I quickly found myself in the hallway apologizing to Charlie for not being able to save him. I literally fell apart! This woman passed by and wrapped her arms around me and told me that God wanted her to give me this hug. I sobbed with everything I had left. Which didn’t feel like much at this point. I found my way to Charlie and cradled him in my arms. Telling him I was so sorry. Sorry for it all! I loved him so much. I sobbed for days as I tried to grasp what has happened yet again. Charlie was readmitted to the hospital. They tried an aggressive chemotherapy in hopes of saving his life. Several weeks passed since the initial shock had set in. We had developed a new routine. Todd was actually able to be with me during this time since we were officially married. One day I was talking to Charlie in bed. He was sitting up playing and with out notice he fell backward into a sleep. I thought it was weird but I knew he was tired so I let it be. The nurse came in to check his vitals and then redid them. She left and another nurse came in followed by a dr. I took notice when the 2nd nurse came in. I’m sorry; Charlie needs to be rushed to the ICU. They whisked him away from me. They tried to warn me that Charlie is in critical condition and he needs emergency surgery. He may not survive. He may not be breathing on his own if you see him again. I need you to be prepared. Everyone was rushing around me sign this form sign this one too. I stopped in the hallway as I was sobbing and said I want to sign a Do Not Resuscitate form. They all stopped and looked at me like I was the devil. I said, “What?” “You have already told me that he may not even come out alive” But mam they said, “Why?” I told them that I do not want the last thing that my son remembers is someone pounding on his chest. It was not easy to say but I wanted it to be known. I couldn’t fathom that being his last memory when he has so many other great ones. An hour later my son came out of surgery. He was no longer breathing on his own. He was in septic shock. He couldn’t hold his own blood pressure and this was it. The Dr.’s told me that I needed to be strong and I needed to do the right thing for Charlie. I needed to let him go. It was ultimately my decision to pull the plug. No one else could make the decision for me. They told me take my time and when I was ready to let them know. My heart was ripped into pieces. How could I do such a thing?! How would I know I was making the right decision? All these years I spent holding his hand fighting this terrible disease has lead us here…. to this very moment! He was my whole life. He was my everything. Since the day he was born I had lived for him. I had always told him that as long as he could fight I would be right there next to him fighting with him. This would be like me turning my back on him. I sat next to his bed and sobbed all day and night. I held his hand and talked to him and prayed to God to give me sign. Let me know what I was supposed to do here. It didn’t seem right. My heart ached so badly for him. I thought of all the things he would never get the chance to do. All the joyful things in life I would miss when he was gone. It never dawned on me though how much of my life would disappear when he left me. I didn’t sleep and don’t even know how I came to the decision I did. I simply know I gave it to God! The next afternoon, when my son had made no signs of recovery I made the decision to let him go. I sobbed like a baby and knew I would never forgive myself but the decision was based on what was best for Charlie. He had spent nearly 5 years fighting to live and to breath and to be pain free. It was obvious that God needed another Angel in heaven and he wanted mine. I sat in the chair next to his bed holding his hand and sobbing over the decision I had made. The Dr.’s came in to take him off the machines and told us it was a matter of time. And it was! It didn’t take long and my son opened his eyes and spoke to us. He even sat up. He said he wanted to watch TV but couldn’t keep his eyes open. We were all shocked. We yelled at the nurses and they couldn’t believe he woke up. It was a miracle. I started laughing. This made the 2nd time he had done this to me. It was just like him. Charlie had brief moments where he would wake up and talk to us. I was 6 months pregnant at the time with my daughter Sophie and Charlie would reach over to rub my belly. He loved his baby sister. He was so excited to be a big brother one day. He loved his momma as well. He was simply an angel and a blessing. This had to be God’s sign. The hospital allowed us to take Charlie home on hospice to spend his final days at home with his family and friends. On August 31, 2005 Charlie passed away in my arms. The day is still the worst day of my life. He passed 12 days before his 5th birthday. I cannot believe it has been 7 years since his passing but it is all still very tough. He was such an amazing little guy and everyone that met him was truly blessed. He touched so many lives in the short time he spent on this earth and I am certain he is now in heaven with all of God’s other Angels.
Shanna DicksonAnd here are their new memories…
HM Photography & Boutique is a NW Louisiana based Photographer specializing in children & family portrait photography. To inquire about your portrait session, please contact Heather HERE for more information or to book a session. See more of Heather’s portfolio HERE. Follow her on Instagram HERE.
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